What is really going on when you are fighting with your partner?
Attachment anxiety is just a fancy way of saying we need others. We especially seek a significant other who becomes our source of comfort, a person with whom we feel our closest sense of connection. When we lose that sense of connection, or attachment, we can quickly feel disconnected, alone, & scared–even desperate.
WHAT IS THE PATTERN WHEN YOU FIGHT?
When couples fight, often there is a typical pattern where one person is demanding attention and the other is withdrawing. The demander is attempting to draw the other into some kind of interaction, because even an angry one is better than nothing. The withdrawer is often left feeling like they have failed yet again, and is avoiding hurt, shutting down in order to stay in control.
When you find yourself drawn into a fight or argument with your partner, it is because you don’t feel connected, and the fight is your way of getting that need met, just not terribly effectively.
When you fight with your partner, your primal need for attachment is being threatened. Those intense emotions that happen during a fight are the culprit. What’s missing is that feeling of being heard and understood that we all crave, and lies beneath the heat of all conflict.