So what is clean pain vs. dirty pain? Recently I ran across this description of the ways couples typically interact that just rang true. This concept of pain describes both the perils and the possibilities that exist within our relationships.
If you can agree that pain is a given at times with our partners, this will make a lot of sense to you. Obviously pain, like most things, is by degrees and has wide variations in its expression. You could be miffed that your lover failed to pick up milk OTW home from work as requested, or you could be caught in the devastation that follows when an affair is revealed. There is a wide variation—in both clean and dirty pain.
The truth is that once you and your partner start moving past the initial stage of a relationship where everything is new and shiny, pain may begin. That is not a bad thing. I repeat, that is not a bad thing. You could substitute the word conflict for pain if that helps broaden your understanding.
The truth is that once you and your partner start moving past the initial stage of a relationship where everything is new and shiny, pain may begin.
As I lay the groundwork for why this is true, please understand that your relationship acts as a crucible where each person has the opportunity to become the best version of themselves that they wish to become. That is the primary function of a healthy relationship.
Naturally over time as you learn each other and your differences more deeply, conflicts will arise. In those conflicts you will find yourself choosing clean pain or dirty pain time and time again. None of us is immune from these choices, but true growth both individually and as a couple will only come from choosing clean pain.
So What Is Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain?
Clean pain comes from a place of accepting the conflict vs shrinking from it. In clean pain you use the best parts of yourself to engage productively in the conflict. It includes discomfort, and sometimes leaning into the parts of yourself that may need work. All of that is conducted in the best interests of the overall relationship, and is not “I’m right and you’re wrong”—even if it’s true!
When a person chooses dirty pain, they are coming from their most wounded parts. This looks any number of ways. It includes sarcasm, gaslighting, manipulation, contempt, capitulation, betrayal (there are many ways to betray), possibly name-calling, and for many, avoidance. It may even lead to violence. Dirty pain will always prolong and deepen conflict.
Sadly, people will most often choose dirty pain. Perhaps this knee jerk response means for them that cruelty or avoidance will hurt less than considering the possibilities of transforming themselves, or engaging in (healthy) compromise. Sometimes they are simply missing the self awareness needed to see they have work to do.
Engaging in either choice will lead you to one of two cycles. The clean pain will lead you both to a new cycle of growth and will deepen your own personal growth towards being the best you possible.
The dirty pain choice will also lead to a cycle: one of common cruelty. That may be heightened conflict, or create conditions for the even worse path of contempt. Over time, contempt leads to the dissolution of the relationship.
There is no “promise” inherent in choosing clean pain that your coupledom will survive as the result. This choice could also mean that the honesty and reflection you undergo may lead to a choice to leave your partner. That also provides a possibility for growth.
Submerging the things that matter to you will override your integrity, and cause you to live a life that does not align with your values.
Sometimes compromise and better efforts at communication work, but if those choices are made only in the effort to soothe rough waters, and they tend to repeat themselves, then you have not actually acted out of authenticity for yourself. Submerging the things that matter to you will override your integrity, and cause you to live a life that does not align with your values. Over time, that will result in unhappiness for you both.
If you need help with parsing this out, contact me here. I love helping couples figure these issues out. It is especially gratifying when couples choose to work on these issues before they are already steeped in pain.
I believe it is truly worth it to experience the pain of growth to have the richness that can happen with a loving partner that you can walk through this thing called life, with all of its joys and sorrows.
Resource: Monsters In Love by Resmaa Menakem. Many thanks to Menakem for the language to help couples understand themselves more deeply.
The #1 Relationship Skill Most Couples in Wilmington Overlook
I’m not going to make you wait to hear the answer.
Resolving conflict requires genuine curiosity.
I see it in couples all of the time. Digging in to explain, often quite sincerely, about why their position is the correct one, while abandoning or simply being unaware of what might most contribute to the unspoken need of the other’s heart (and their own). When you ignore the very “we-ness” of any truly caring relationship, it derails.
Not only does it derail, it can feel like death by a 1000 paper cuts. Your relationship grows distant over time, and you no longer feel a sense of connection. And what’s worse, you don’t even know why. And did you know that most couples wait over two years before seeking help? Of course they start with online searches for articles and reading. I never assume someone is “stupid” about what is happening for them. It is just really hard to fix things when you cannot be objective.
Every couple argues. That’s normal. But the difference between couples who grow stronger over time and those who feel stuck often comes down to one skill: effective communication. That does not include needing to be right!
If you’re in Wilmington, NC and searching for ways to improve your relationship, chances are you’ve felt the frustration of being misunderstood—or of not knowing how to express yourself without it turning into conflict. The good news? Communication is a skill you can learn, and you don’t necessarily need months of couples therapy to make big improvements.
Why Communication Matters More Than You Think
Research shows that communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. When couples know how to listen, express needs clearly, and manage emotions, they are more likely to:
• Resolve conflicts faster
• Feel more connected and supported
• Build trust and intimacy
• Navigate stress together instead of apart
On the flip side, poor communication often leads to resentment, repeated arguments, and disconnection.
Common Communication Pitfalls Couples Face
• Talking over each other instead of listening fully
• Assuming what the other person means rather than asking
• Shutting down when conversations get difficult
• Using blame language (“you always…” or “you never…”) that fuels defensiveness
These patterns are normal—but they’re not unchangeable.
Therapy-Based Tools to Improve Communication
You don’t need to overhaul your whole relationship to start seeing improvements. A few practical skills, drawn from research-supported therapy methods, can transform daily interactions:
1. Active Listening
Slowing down and reflecting back what your partner is saying can reduce misunderstandings and increase empathy.
2. Using “I” Statements
Shifting from blame to personal expression (“I feel…” instead of “You always…”) lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on solutions. Another way to say this (if “I” statements feel awkward to you) is “When you…I feel…”
3. Emotion Regulation–KEY when in conflict
Learning how to pause and calm your nervous system during conflict helps prevent arguments from spiraling.
4. Repair Attempts
Simple gestures—like humor, apologies, or reassurance—can de-escalate tension and reconnect you quickly.
Take the First Step Toward Better Communication
Improving your relationship doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With the right tools, you and your partner can break old patterns and build stronger, more supportive connections. Contact me here if you are ready to do this important work.
Navigating Retirement as a Couple: Shared Paths—Or Not?
Navigating Retirement as a Couple: Shared Paths—Or Not?
Retirement: the golden years where time is finally yours—and, as it turns out, also very much your partner’s. After decades of navigating the daily grind, commuting, (maybe) parenting, and paying bills, you now find yourselves facing an unexpected question: what does life together look like… when you’re actually together all the time?
Welcome to the retirement chapter, where shared paths can be a joyride—or a roundabout with no exit sign. Here are five major shifts couples face when entering retirement, and how to steer through them without losing your cool (or your partner).
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What Do People Want From Therapy?
There are three primary things that people want from therapy. These items are based on a recent valid survey of over 15oo responses as reported by researcher Linda Michaels, PsyD, MBA. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago. She is also the chair and co-founder of the Psychotherapy Action Network (PsiAN), a non-profit that advocates for quality therapy. Her group took on an extensive research project leveraging data and techniques widely used in the corporate world in 2024, focused on listening to the public and understanding what people want from therapy. This is the result of that endeavor.
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Dreams Within Conflict, Or Is It Values?
“Dreams within conflict are the underlying, unfulfilled hopes, aspirations, and wishes beneath an issue in a relationship, big or small.”—Gottman Institute
Here I want to note that substituting the term “values” for dreams may make more sense, because conflict occurs when someone’s values are not aligning with our own. That is when we feel either resentment or discomfort, and when our fears that this [relationship] is just not going to work surface.
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I Was Parked, And Panic Ensued
I was parked on the street in front of a cute little bungalow about to meet my real estate agent one fine summer afternoon. We were scouting out homes for a pending move my husband and I had decided to make in an effort to downsize. I was just swinging open the driver’s side car door when I saw a blue blur of a car race past me, ripping it right off the hinges as it went. Had I been swinging my legs to get out, they would have been gone too, along with the car door. Fortunately, that did not happen.
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Why Does Good Couples Therapy Fail? 7 Reasons
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), “After receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health, and nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health. Over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship.”
If therapy works so well, then why then, does good couples therapy sometimes fail? What are the reasons?
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My Twelve Rules For Productive Couples Counseling
I have twelve rules that have proven effective for having productive couples counseling. These rules particularly apply to couples in distress, who wonder if they should even be together at all.
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Why Do We Love Personality Tests?
Ahhhh. We do love a quiz that promises to reveal ourselves to our, well, ourselves. And big business loves to to see how well you might fit into their organizational team. That we love personality tests is the why that drives their proliferation. But I wonder if you might like to understand why many of them are junk, clickbait, and rather useless. And how to pick one that gives useful information about your personality. I am going to help you do that!
Read more
What Is Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain?
So what is clean pain vs. dirty pain? Recently I ran across this description of the ways couples typically interact that just rang true. This concept of pain describes both the perils and the possibilities that exist within our relationships.
If you can agree that pain is a given at times with our partners, this will make a lot of sense to you. Obviously pain, like most things, is by degrees and has wide variations in its expression. You could be miffed that your lover failed to pick up milk OTW home from work as requested, or you could be caught in the devastation that follows when an affair is revealed. There is a wide variation—in both clean and dirty pain.
The truth is that once you and your partner start moving past the initial stage of a relationship where everything is new and shiny, pain may begin. That is not a bad thing. I repeat, that is not a bad thing. You could substitute the word conflict for pain if that helps broaden your understanding.
As I lay the groundwork for why this is true, please understand that your relationship acts as a crucible where each person has the opportunity to become the best version of themselves that they wish to become. That is the primary function of a healthy relationship.
Naturally over time as you learn each other and your differences more deeply, conflicts will arise. In those conflicts you will find yourself choosing clean pain or dirty pain time and time again. None of us is immune from these choices, but true growth both individually and as a couple will only come from choosing clean pain.
So What Is Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain?
Clean pain comes from a place of accepting the conflict vs shrinking from it. In clean pain you use the best parts of yourself to engage productively in the conflict. It includes discomfort, and sometimes leaning into the parts of yourself that may need work. All of that is conducted in the best interests of the overall relationship, and is not “I’m right and you’re wrong”—even if it’s true!
When a person chooses dirty pain, they are coming from their most wounded parts. This looks any number of ways. It includes sarcasm, gaslighting, manipulation, contempt, capitulation, betrayal (there are many ways to betray), possibly name-calling, and for many, avoidance. It may even lead to violence. Dirty pain will always prolong and deepen conflict.
Sadly, people will most often choose dirty pain. Perhaps this knee jerk response means for them that cruelty or avoidance will hurt less than considering the possibilities of transforming themselves, or engaging in (healthy) compromise. Sometimes they are simply missing the self awareness needed to see they have work to do.
Engaging in either choice will lead you to one of two cycles. The clean pain will lead you both to a new cycle of growth and will deepen your own personal growth towards being the best you possible.
The dirty pain choice will also lead to a cycle: one of common cruelty. That may be heightened conflict, or create conditions for the even worse path of contempt. Over time, contempt leads to the dissolution of the relationship.
There is no “promise” inherent in choosing clean pain that your coupledom will survive as the result. This choice could also mean that the honesty and reflection you undergo may lead to a choice to leave your partner. That also provides a possibility for growth.
Sometimes compromise and better efforts at communication work, but if those choices are made only in the effort to soothe rough waters, and they tend to repeat themselves, then you have not actually acted out of authenticity for yourself. Submerging the things that matter to you will override your integrity, and cause you to live a life that does not align with your values. Over time, that will result in unhappiness for you both.
If you need help with parsing this out, contact me here. I love helping couples figure these issues out. It is especially gratifying when couples choose to work on these issues before they are already steeped in pain.
I believe it is truly worth it to experience the pain of growth to have the richness that can happen with a loving partner that you can walk through this thing called life, with all of its joys and sorrows.
Resource: Monsters In Love by Resmaa Menakem. Many thanks to Menakem for the language to help couples understand themselves more deeply.
Couples Can Be Cruel To Each Other
Couples can be cruel to each other in many different ways. Couples betray each other in many different ways. Beyond the obvious betrayal of affairs, cruelty is is far more common that we think within our most valued relationship. Just about every couple practices this, at least occasionally.
This cruelty is physical, emotional , psychological, and spiritual. We knowingly and deliberately hurt our partner. Many times it can be what I think of as a micro-cruelty. This is something small, like hurtful sarcasm or the “forgotten” task or obligation. We do this perhaps out of selfishness, or more often, to make ourselves hurt less in a relationship that is already aching. And we do this to punish them for something they did or didn’t do, but most often, we do this instead of looking inside of ourselves to grow up.
Being in a committed relationship always makes for friction and problems. Your relationship is a crucible for experiencing friction and uncertainty. It is fuel for growth and transformation. The right question to ask is “Can I be who I strive to be and remain connected to this person who means the most to me?”
The logical conclusion to this is that you must reduce the cruelty within the relationship, not eliminate the friction. The friction is your compass point signaling the need for growth and change. If you pay attention to it, it can lead you to make the changes needed for your own growth. This requires that you be brave enough to voice what is happening for you to your partner in a way that can be heard by them. That doesn’t mean you are responsible for their (possibly) emotional response.
When you feel stuck, and don’t know what to do to make it better, sometimes living with the uncertainty you feel is best. Things can appear quite black and white at the highest point of anger, confusion and mistrust. You do not see clearly, even though it feels like you do. Even with the most blatant trust breaches.
Stay in it while taking care of yourself. When you can, reach out to your partner from the best parts of yourself.
If you need help with this, contact me here. It may not be “the answer” you want, but know that the process of being in relationship with another is exactly that. There is no one answer. The relationship you are in is your opportunity for growth. How you choose to use it will determine the outcome.