What if one partner is more motivated than the other?

What If One Partner Is More Motivated Than the Other?

What If One Partner Is More Motivated Than the Other?

This is one of the most common questions people have about couples therapy—and one of the biggest reasons couples hesitate to start. Motivation is often a cover for fear of the unknown that is therapy, especially if it is new to you.

If you’re feeling ready for therapy but your partner seems unsure, resistant, or overwhelmed, you might worry that counseling won’t work unless you’re both equally motivated. The good news is: couples therapy does not require equal motivation at the start.

In fact, uneven motivation is completely normal.

Unequal Motivation Is More Common Than You Think

In many relationships, one partner reaches a sense of urgency first. They may feel disconnected, stuck in recurring conflict, or afraid of what will happen if nothing changes. The other partner, meanwhile, may feel surprised by the intensity, unsure whether therapy is necessary, or anxious about what therapy might involve.

This difference doesn’t mean one person cares more than the other. It usually means each partner is processing the relationship—and the idea of help—at a different pace.

Why One Partner May Feel Hesitant About Couples Therapy

When one partner feels less motivated, it’s often not because they don’t value the relationship. More commonly, they may be feeling:

  • Overwhelmed or emotionally exhausted

  • Afraid of being blamed or judged

  • Unsure how therapy works

  • Defensive due to past unresolved conflict

  • Skeptical that talking will actually help

These reactions are deeply human. Couples therapy is unfamiliar territory for many people, and uncertainty can easily show up as resistance.

Couples Therapy Focuses on Safety, Not Pressure

Effective couples therapy doesn’t try to force motivation or “convince” someone to change. Instead, it focuses on reducing defensiveness and increasing understanding between partners.

Early sessions are often about slowing things down, helping each person feel heard, and clarifying intentions. When partners realize therapy isn’t about taking sides or assigning blame, emotional safety begins to grow.

And when people feel safe, motivation often follows.

How Motivation Grows Over Time in Couples Counseling

Motivation isn’t a fixed trait—it’s a response to experience. As therapy progresses, the partner who initially felt unsure often begins to notice important shifts:

  • Conversations feel less explosive

  • They feel understood instead of criticized

  • Conflict becomes more manageable

  • Sessions feel supportive rather than threatening

These experiences naturally increase engagement. Rather than being pushed into therapy, motivation develops because the process starts to feel helpful and relevant.

What If You’re the More Motivated Partner?

If you’re the one who wants therapy more, it can feel lonely or frustrating. You may worry that you’re “dragging” your partner along or caring more about the relationship.

You’re not.

Your readiness simply means you’re responding to the relationship’s needs right now. Couples therapy can help you express that urgency in ways that invite connection rather than defensiveness.

What If You’re the Less Motivated Partner?

If you’re feeling unsure, hesitant, or guarded, you’re not doing therapy wrong. You don’t need to have all the answers—or even full confidence—before starting.

Couples therapy is designed to meet both partners where they are, not where they’re “supposed” to be.

Couples Therapy Works Even When You Start in Different Places

You do not need equal motivation, perfect alignment, or complete certainty to begin couples counseling. You just need a willingness to show up and explore what’s happening between you.

Different starting points are not a problem—they’re part of the process.

Over time, therapy helps couples move toward understanding, connection, and shared momentum—together, and at a pace that respects both partners. If you are ready to start this work, contact me here.

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Resolving conflict requires genuine curiosity

The #1 Relationship Skill Most Couples in Wilmington Overlook

I’m not going to make you wait to hear the answer.

Resolving conflict requires genuine curiosity

Resolving conflict requires genuine curiosity.

I see it in couples all of the time. Digging in to explain, often quite sincerely, about why their position is the correct one, while abandoning or simply being unaware of what might most contribute to the unspoken need of the other’s heart (and their own). When you ignore the very “we-ness” of any truly caring relationship, it derails.

When you ignore the very “we-ness” of any truly caring relationship, it derails.

Not only does it derail, it can feel like death by a 1000 paper cuts. Your relationship grows distant over time, and you no longer feel a sense of connection. And what’s worse, you don’t even know why. And did you know that most couples wait over two years before seeking help? Of course they start with online searches for articles and reading. I never assume someone is “stupid” about what is happening for them. It is just really hard to fix things when you cannot be objective.

Every couple argues. That’s normal. But the difference between couples who grow stronger over time and those who feel stuck often comes down to one skill: effective communication. That does not include needing to be right!

If you’re in Wilmington, NC and searching for ways to improve your relationship, chances are you’ve felt the frustration of being misunderstood—or of not knowing how to express yourself without it turning into conflict. The good news? Communication is a skill you can learn, and you don’t necessarily need months of couples therapy to make big improvements.

Why Communication Matters More Than You Think

Research shows that communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. When couples know how to listen, express needs clearly, and manage emotions, they are more likely to:
• Resolve conflicts faster
• Feel more connected and supported
• Build trust and intimacy
• Navigate stress together instead of apart

On the flip side, poor communication often leads to resentment, repeated arguments, and disconnection.

Common Communication Pitfalls Couples Face

  • Here are a few patterns I see most often when working with couples in Wilmington:
    • Talking over each other instead of listening fully
  • Listening with a previously determined mindset: “I already know how they are going to react!”
    • Assuming what the other person means rather than asking
    • Shutting down when conversations get difficult
    • Using blame language (“you always…” or “you never…”) that fuels defensiveness

These patterns are normal—but they’re not unchangeable.

Therapy-Based Tools to Improve Communication

You don’t need to overhaul your whole relationship to start seeing improvements. A few practical skills, drawn from research-supported therapy methods, can transform daily interactions:
1. Active Listening
Slowing down and reflecting back what your partner is saying can reduce misunderstandings and increase empathy.
2. Using “I” Statements
Shifting from blame to personal expression (“I feel…” instead of “You always…”) lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on solutions. Another way to say this (if “I” statements feel awkward to you) is “When you…I feel…”
3. Emotion Regulation–KEY when in conflict
Learning how to pause and calm your nervous system during conflict helps prevent arguments from spiraling.
4. Repair Attempts
Simple gestures—like humor, apologies, or reassurance—can de-escalate tension and reconnect you quickly.

Take the First Step Toward Better Communication

Improving your relationship doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With the right tools, you and your partner can break old patterns and build stronger, more supportive connections. Contact me here if you are ready to do this important work.

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Navigating Retirement

Navigating Retirement as a Couple: Shared Paths—Or Not?

Navigating Retirement as a Couple: Shared Paths—Or Not?

Retirement: the golden years where time is finally yours—and, as it turns out, also very much your partner’s. After decades of navigating the daily grind, commuting, (maybe) parenting, and paying bills, you now find yourselves facing an unexpected question: what does life together look like… when you’re actually together all the time?

Welcome to the retirement chapter, where shared paths can be a joyride—or a roundabout with no exit sign. Here are five major shifts couples face when entering retirement, and how to steer through them without losing your cool (or your partner).

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What Do People Want From Therapy?

There are three primary things that people want from therapy. These items are based on a recent valid survey of over 15oo responses as reported by researcher Linda Michaels, PsyD, MBA. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago. She is also the chair and co-founder of the Psychotherapy Action Network (PsiAN), a non-profit that advocates for quality therapy. Her group took on an extensive research project leveraging data and techniques widely used in the corporate world in 2024, focused on listening to the public and understanding what people want from therapy. This is the result of that endeavor.

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Resolving conflict requires genuine curiosity

Dreams Within Conflict, Or Is It Values?

“Dreams within conflict are the underlying, unfulfilled hopes, aspirations, and wishes beneath an issue in a relationship, big or small.”—Gottman Institute

Here I want to note that substituting the term “values” for dreams may make more sense, because conflict occurs when someone’s values are not aligning with our own. That is when we feel either resentment or discomfort, and when our fears that this [relationship] is just not going to work surface.

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What if one partner is more motivated than the other?

Why Does Good Couples Therapy Fail? 7 Reasons

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), “After receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health, and nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health. Over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship.”

If therapy works so well, then why then, does good couples therapy sometimes fail? What are the reasons?

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What if one partner is more motivated than the other?

My Twelve Rules For Productive Couples Counseling

I have twelve rules that have proven effective for having productive couples counseling. These rules particularly apply to couples in distress, who wonder if they should even be together at all.

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What if one partner is more motivated than the other?
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Why Do We Love Personality Tests?

Ahhhh. We do love a quiz that promises to reveal ourselves to our, well, ourselves. And big business loves to to see how well you might fit into their organizational team. That we love personality tests is the why that drives their proliferation. But I wonder if you might like to understand why many of them are junk, clickbait, and rather useless. And how to pick one that gives useful information about your personality. I am going to help you do that!

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What if one partner is more motivated than the other?

Couples Can Be Cruel To Each Other

Couples can be cruel to each other in many different ways. Couples betray each other in many different ways. Beyond the obvious betrayal of affairs, cruelty is is far more common that we think within our most valued relationship. Just about every couple practices this, at least occasionally.

This cruelty is physical, emotional , psychological, and spiritual. We knowingly and deliberately hurt our partner. Many times it can be what I think of as a micro-cruelty. This is something small, like hurtful sarcasm or the “forgotten” task or obligation. We do this perhaps out of selfishness, or more often, to make ourselves hurt less in a relationship that is already aching. And we do this to punish them for something they did or didn’t do, but most often, we do this instead of looking inside of ourselves to grow up.

Being in a committed relationship always makes for friction and problems. Your relationship is a crucible for experiencing friction and uncertainty. It is fuel for growth and transformation. The right question to ask is “Can I be who I strive to be and remain connected to this person who means the most to me?”

Your relationship is a crucible for experiencing friction and uncertainty.

The logical conclusion to this is that you must reduce the cruelty within the relationship, not eliminate the friction. The friction is your compass point signaling the need for growth and change. If you pay attention to it, it can lead you to make the changes needed for your own growth. This requires that you be brave enough to voice what is happening for you to your partner in a way that can be heard by them. That doesn’t mean you are responsible for their (possibly) emotional response.

When you feel stuck, and don’t know what to do to make it better, sometimes living with the uncertainty you feel is best. Things can appear quite black and white at the highest point of anger, confusion and mistrust. You do not see clearly, even though it feels like you do. Even with the most blatant trust breaches.

Stay in it while taking care of yourself. When you can, reach out to your partner from the best parts of yourself.

If you need help with this, contact me here. It may not be “the answer” you want, but know that the process of being in relationship with another is exactly that. There is no one answer. The relationship you are in is your opportunity for growth. How you choose to use it will determine the outcome.

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Do You Know The Cost To You Of Broken Boundaries?

In addition to my degree in clinical social work, I have a masters degree in public health. One important goal of public health is to prevent disease from spreading. I want to help you see the costs to you of broken (or non-existent) boundaries by using the analogy of vaccines. First you need to understand that prevention is often invisible unless you look at the prevented costs. Here’s an example of that.

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