Have you ever thought about this? Do you over-explain something when you are saying no to a request, or to an intrusive question? Did you know that you do not have to explain your thoughts to someone simply because they asked? And that the tendency to do this typically occurs with someone we care about, or someone that has power over us? Learning this is crucial to your ability to set a clear and healthy boundary.
A concerned mother wrote and asked me for suggestions for her son who was in his first semester at college in a different state. She was feeling helpless from afar, and wanted to know how to advise him about his long-standing social anxiety and depression, which had flared in his new environment. This is what I told her.
Dear Worried Mom,
Your children are like so much wet cement according to Time Magazine, in that they are impressionable at an early age. Your words and actions make impressions that will ‘harden’ over time and guide their sense of identity. A large portion of our job as parents is to guide, shape and correct them. When shaping behaviors, it is important to guard how much you criticize vs praise those you love. The same thing applies to your partner. Is complaining your habit? So what is the magic ratio?
Wow, this is a tough one. A situation that is full of blame, grief, and having all of your defense mechanisms triggered. How on earth do you cope with losing the once close relationship with a child you nurtured, raised, and cared for with all of your heart, soul and mind?
Every midwife knows
that not until a mother’s womb
softens from the pain of labor
will a way unfold
and the infant find that opening to be born.
Oh friend!
There is treasure in your heart,it is heavy with child.
Listen.
All the awakened ones,
like trusted midwives are saying,
‘welcome this pain.
It opens the dark passage of Grace.
–Rumi
As I reflect back on my wonderful visit with my mother this weekend, I am so grateful she is still here with me. Peace to all those who may be missing theirs. Take heart in her heritage–you.
I was on the beach observing a little boy about 4 years old who was full of energy as he raced back and forth busily building what he called a swimming pool. it was both fascinating and uplifting to watch the two adults involved with him, whom I assumed were his parents. They were 100% engaged in play with him while also teasing and flirting with each other. They felt like a unit.
In my last post, I introduced the idea of making a small change in a behavior pattern in order to achieve a new, more positive outcome.
If you are trying to actively listen, that is okay. But to really hear someone, you must be truly curious about what they have to say.