Neurodiverse Couples

What does neurodivergent (“ND”) even mean?? Many of the people who come to see me might share some of the characteristics listed below with someone who has autism, but this could simply mean they’re neurodivergent. Many times I’ll see an anxiously attached partner with one who is mildly on the spectrum. This very often results in one partner feeling very lonely and unseen. But it also can make the neurodiverse partner shut down.

Different brains respond differently! It requires a different way of communicating that can be learned.

Nobody tells the neurotypical (NT) partner about the loneliness that can occur when partnered with a neurodiverse (ND) individual.

Do you recognize your relationship?

• We love each other, but we keep having the same struggles because our emotional needs are so different—and each of us feels that our needs aren’t being met.
• One of us feels unheard; the other feels constantly criticized and often withdraws.
• We’ve been together for years and have gradually become disconnected. Sometimes it feels like we’re just roommates.
• We’ve tried books, conversations, podcasts, and even previous couples counseling, but somehow nothing seems to stick.

Healthy communication between these couples can be taught, as emotional cues may be misread or simply missed altogether. For the neurotypical partner, having a good support network of friends or family to turn to to get some of your emotional needs met is essential.

But you should know, as the NT partner, that just because your partner’s emotions may be harder to access for them, doesn’t mean they are not present. Your loving, different-thinking person has spent a lifetime managing their differences, and may often show you in other ways how much they care.