I’m not going to make you wait to hear the answer.

I see it in couples all of the time. Digging in to explain, often quite sincerely, about why their position is the correct one, while abandoning or simply being unaware of what might most contribute to the unspoken need of the other’s heart (and their own). When you ignore the very “we-ness” of any truly caring relationship, it derails.

When you ignore the very “we-ness” of any truly caring relationship, it derails.

Not only does it derail, it can feel like death by a 1000 paper cuts. Your relationship grows distant over time, and you no longer feel a sense of connection. And what’s worse, you don’t even know why. And did you know that most couples wait over two years before seeking help? Of course they start with online searches for articles and reading. I never assume someone is “stupid” about what is happening for them. It is just really hard to fix things when you cannot be objective.

Every couple argues. That’s normal. But the difference between couples who grow stronger over time and those who feel stuck often comes down to one skill: effective communication. That does not include needing to be right!

If you’re in Wilmington, NC and searching for ways to improve your relationship, chances are you’ve felt the frustration of being misunderstood—or of not knowing how to express yourself without it turning into conflict. The good news? Communication is a skill you can learn, and you don’t necessarily need months of couples therapy to make big improvements.

Why Communication Matters More Than You Think

Research shows that communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. When couples know how to listen, express needs clearly, and manage emotions, they are more likely to:
• Resolve conflicts faster
• Feel more connected and supported
• Build trust and intimacy
• Navigate stress together instead of apart

On the flip side, poor communication often leads to resentment, repeated arguments, and disconnection.

Common Communication Pitfalls Couples Face

• Here are a few patterns I see most often when working with couples in Wilmington:
  • Talking over each other instead of listening fully
• Listening with a previously determined mindset: “I already know how they are going to react!”
  • Assuming what the other person means rather than asking
  • Shutting down when conversations get difficult
  • Using blame language (“you always…” or “you never…”) that fuels defensiveness

These patterns are normal—but they’re not unchangeable.

Therapy-Based Tools to Improve Communication

You don’t need to overhaul your whole relationship to start seeing improvements. A few practical skills, drawn from research-supported therapy methods, can transform daily interactions:
1. Active Listening
Slowing down and reflecting back what your partner is saying can reduce misunderstandings and increase empathy.
2. Using “I” Statements
Shifting from blame to personal expression (“I feel…” instead of “You always…”) lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on solutions. Another way to say this (if “I” statements feel awkward to you) is “When you…I feel…”
3. Emotion Regulation–KEY when in conflict
Learning how to pause and calm your nervous system during conflict helps prevent arguments from spiraling.
4. Repair Attempts
Simple gestures—like humor, apologies, or reassurance—can de-escalate tension and reconnect you quickly.

Take the First Step Toward Better Communication

Improving your relationship doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With the right tools, you and your partner can break old patterns and build stronger, more supportive connections. Contact me here if you are ready to do this important work.