“Dreams within conflict are the underlying, unfulfilled hopes, aspirations, and wishes beneath an issue in a relationship, big or small.”—Gottman Institute

Here I want to note that substituting the term “values” for dreams may make more sense, because conflict occurs when someone’s values are not aligning with our own. That is when we feel either resentment or discomfort, and when our fears that this [relationship] is just not going to work surface.

If partners fail to uncover and honor these dreams (values), gridlocked conflict (arguments that never go anywhere) will inevitably ensue. This is when the repeated negative cycle starts, and without genuine curiosity, you will stay stuck.

This is when a couple finds themselves stuck in a repeated negative cycle that feels difficult to resolve. It feels like “Ugh, here we are again.”

What Those Dreams (Values) Might Look Like

A few examples of hidden dreams (values):

• Underneath the need to save or make a lot of money is a dream for security.
• Underneath the need to follow in a parent’s footsteps in business is a dream of honor and responsibility.
• Underneath the need to make life changes is a dream of atoning, healing, or exploring who you are. Dig deeper—atoning or healing from what?
• Underneath the resistance to adopting a dog is the dream for a sense of freedom and flexibility in life.
• Underneath the want to not put down roots anywhere is the dream of traveling and exploring.

These examples are deeper dreams, but sometimes it’s not that serious. A partner could have a dream to go out to dinner every Friday because they look back on it fondly as a kid. No matter what they are, the key is uncovering them, and for that you need to get curious.

Genuine curiosity is your best friend in an enduring relationship.

Uncover the underlying dream within an argument by asking questions and having an open conversation with your partner.

How To Uncover Those Dreams Within Conflict

Here are some questions you can ask to become a “Values Detective” and uncover dreams within conflict:

• What do you believe about this issue?
• Do you have values, ethics, or beliefs that relate to your position on this issue?
• What are you feeling about this issue?
• What does your point of view mean to you?
• Tell me the story of your dream. Does it relate to your history or childhood in some way?
• What do you want/need? If I could give you what you need right now, what would that look like?

If you need help understanding how to get out of your stuck conflict loops, contact me here.

With appreciation for the Gottman Insitute